From The City Of Angel season 1
by Cari7
Summary: Angel's Journal, season 1. Angel's POV about season 1 episodes.
1. From The City Of Angel 1 thru 3

**From The City Of Angel  
**

**_Welcome To The Jungle_**  
  
**(Takes place after "City Of...")**  
  
People try to move away from their problems. I don't know why but you get to a point that you feel like if you pick up and go someplace else, they won't follow you.  
  
Trouble is, your problems are still there when you get where you are going. Maybe they look different but there they are. And what's worse, you've left all the reasons you fought your problems in the first place, behind.  
  
I left Sunnydale, left Buffy, because I thought it was the best thing for both of us. In my head, I still do.   
  
My heart.... that's a different story.   
  
I thought that if I got away from that situation, she could move on with what passes as a normal life for a Slayer.   
  
And me.. Well I could just move on.  
  
Yeh, right.   
  
I came to LA and decided that I'd go back to my loner days.   
  
Stay away from people... dust some vamps and fight some other things along the way, but mostly just stay way from people.  
  
Then Doyle shows up and tells me that's not good enough. I'm suppose to interact.   
  
Doyle gets the visions and I get to be the hero.  
  
Only it didn't work that way.   
  
Tina's dead.   
  
Failed my first assignment out. I have to think that the ones who give Doyle his visions must be re-thinking their decision. Should be anyway.   
  
Doyle goes on about how I saved Cordelia and how we can help the helpless... And maybe we can. Maybe we will.  
  
WE. As in Doyle, Cordelia... and me. I think about Tina and I know that I have to be more careful. Kicking Winters through that window had a certain satisfaction to it, but as sweet as revenge is, it doesn't bring back the dead. And now, it seems, I have them to worry about too.  
  
Being a loner definitely had it's advantages.

_**The Wrong Places**_  
  
**(Takes place after "Lonely Hearts")  
**  
There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. I've tried to explain that to Doyle but he seems determined to drag me out into the light... figuratively anyway.  
  
All part of the "getting into people's lives" agenda.  
  
Personally, I think it's more about him getting into Cordelia's... well, let's just say her "life", through me.  
  
Whatever his motivation, I know that he's right. I have a mission and I need to get involved.  
  
So I went out, mingled with the masses looking for love... I wonder, does anyone ever really meet the person of their dreams in a place like that? Is anyone really trying or are they just looking for a good time?   
  
I was young once. Sure the places I went to weren't like D'Oblique but still, same premise. I had a definite goal but it wasn't to find my soul mate.   
  
As a matter of fact, the one I met took my soul from me.  
  
I recognized what I was looking at: A bunch of lonely people trying not to be alone... perfect prey for so many predators.  
  
But there is one less predator tonight. I stopped the burrower demon and in the process I met Kate Lockley, LAPD.  
  
For now, she sees me as an ally, which is better than when she thought I was a serial killer. I have to admit, when she was describing the profile of the murderer, it did sound a lot like me.... well except for the part about being impotent. .  
  
And why wouldn't it sound like me? I _was_ a serial killer after all. Maybe on some level her cop instincts recognize that.  
  
It's not a pleasant thought obviously but then again, there isn't a lot I can do about it. Hopefully I'll stay on her good side and we can work together some.  
  
Can't hurt to have a friend on the force.  
  
I'll take Doyle's advice and try to be more outgoing. Tried tonight as a matter of fact, offered to take Cordelia and Doyle out - to have fun this time without also hunting a killer demon.  
  
They didn't buy it.   
  
I was glad.  
  
Sometimes things just work out.

**_A Nice Day  
_**  
**(Takes place after "In The Dark")  
**  
Doyle thinks I've lost my mind. He says I have a real addiction to the brooding side of life.   
  
He's not wrong about that... but that's not why I destroyed the Gem of Amara.  
  
I told him that the people who need help during the day already have it. It's the ones that belong to the night that sometimes get forgotten and need me to protect them.  
  
People like Rachel.   
  
If I'd have kept that ring, it wouldn't have been too long before I'd be wearing it all the time. When I came out from under that pier, saw the sun again, I knew that if I could, that's where I'd be- in the sun.   
  
I've missed it so.  
  
But it's not where I belong.  
  
So that's what I told Doyle, and he thinks I'm crazy but he accepts it.  
  
Only it's not the whole truth.  
  
I had a long time to think while Marcus was torturing the hell out of me. I realized that keeping the ring was just too big of risk.  
  
What if Spike came back looking for it and succeeded?  
  
Or some other vampire did?  
  
Bad enough... and yet not the biggest risk of all.  
  
What I didn't tell Doyle was just too hard to come out with. That, once upon a time, I was a monster. Worse than Marcus, worse than Spike.   
  
In fact, I was the monster that made Spike what he is now.   
  
Doyle thinks he knows what I was and said that the ring was my "redemption". Part of me wanted to look at how I saved Rachel and agree with him.   
  
But then there's Spike.   
  
I did so much damage and Spike is a walking, talking, taunting reminder of it.   
  
Redemption won't come that easily.   
  
Was. I tell myself that I _was_ a monster. But I know how quickly it could go from "was" to "am".   
  
Angelus is with me. Always.   
  
I know what the curse is all about now. And if I didn't believe that I would be able to avoid losing my soul again, I'd stake myself right now.  
  
And yet... the risk is still there. The idea of Angelus, loose and un-killable is just too much for me to want to imagine.   
  
But I did imagine it.  
  
It's what made me smash the gem.  
  
So I got tortured, and charred a bit and had to destroy something that would have made my existence so much more pleasant.  
  
But... on the up side I did get to walk in the sun for awhile and watch it set.   
  
And Marcus, for all his expertise, couldn't break me.  
  
Amateur.


	2. From The City Of Angel 4 thru 6

**_Haves and Have Nots_**  
  
_(Takes Place after "Room w/a Vu")  
_  
I like being by myself. Sure, its part of that whole "Angel equals broody" thing I've got going for me...but also, I like it.  
  
You don't know what you've got until it's gone.  
  
Cordelia... Well she's like no one I've ever encountered before. How can someone be so annoying and likeable and demanding and needy all at the same time? I don't know, but she is. How else to explain the way she swept into my home, and within five minutes made me feel as if _I_ were the interloper here? My God, she actually made me think about how_** I**_ might have gotten peanut butter in my bed!  
  
By the end of the night believe me, tackling Doyle's demon problem and old lady Pierson was a small price to pay for getting her out of here.   
  
But she was in need and she wasn't afraid to ask for help.... demand it.... whatever. I wish Doyle would do the same. He'll have to face up to whatever it is he's atoning for at some point. Maybe he'll let me help him then.  
  
For now though, the linoleum glue is drying and the bug spray fumes are starting to fade and I'm happy to have my space back again.  
  
My quiet, peaceful space.  
  
I wonder what Cordelia's doing....  
  
**_A Kinder, Gentler, Demon_**  
  
_(Takes place after "Sense and Sensitivity")  
_  
Only Cordelia could be pissed because I told her to dismember a giant tentacle-ly thing, and didn't say "please".   
  
There is something very disturbing about being lectured on the finer points of polite conversation by Queen C.   
  
It's not that I don't care or that I'm trying to be rude... it's just that, for so long, people skills were not really high on my list of priorities. Bite or avoid was more the rule of the day. Sure, there was Sunnydale; I came out of my shell, some. But it was really easy to slip back in.  
  
So, I'm not the people person... demon... Cordelia might wish for in a boss.  
  
Well, as the old saying goes, be careful what you wish for.  
  
When it came down to it, both Cordelia and Doyle were ready for less hugs and more punches. Lucky for them, my propensity for violence runs pretty deep and one round with the talking stick wasn't enough to keep me from taking care of Little Tony.   
  
That didn't surprise me; I know what I'm capable of after all.   
  
Kate's propensity for violence on the other hand... that did surprise me.  
  
Clearly, she has issues.  
  
Doyle keeps asking me if I was "putting them on"... teaching them a lesson.   
  
Haven't given him a definite answer.  
  
Let them wonder. 


	3. From The City Of Angel 7 & 8

**_Ex Marks The Spot_**

**(Takes place after ATS "The Bachelor Party" and BTVS "Pangs", includes the very beginning of "I Will Remember You")**

Nothing like an ex to throw your life into turmoil. Harry walked in and I didn't even have to be introduced- the look on Doyle's face told me who she was. Sure, not specifically, but I knew just the same.

Old love. First love. It was all there on his face.

I guess it's lucky for me that I don't have a reflection since I probably have the same look on my face right now.

I can hear them out there: Cordelia is filling Doyle in on the drama that is Buffy and Angel. She thinks I'm being extra broody because I'm not acting broody enough. That's Cordelia logic for you. And it's not like she's wrong.

Three days in Sunnydale. Too much "Buffy viewage".

I knew I couldn't fool myself, but I actually had some hope that I could fool them.

Fat chance. Cordelia was there for it all, so I'm as transparent to her as the window I'm pretending they're not watching me through.

Talking to Doyle about Harry... could have been me talking to him about Buffy. Same hurt, only the names and details were different.

But I had to go to Sunnydale, had to help Buffy. I mean, The Powers obviously wanted me there. And if she's in danger, that's where I need to be.

I told myself that I wasn't approaching her because it wouldn't be fair to her. To come back so soon after leaving just wouldn't be right.

The reality is, I couldn't face her. Watching her from a distance was hard enough but I needed that distance.

She's supposed to be moving on after all. That's what I wanted her to do. It's why I left, so she could.

But when I saw her, especially when I saw her with that Riley guy, it was the last thing I wanted. I don't know how Doyle managed to give Harry and her fiancé his blessing. For me, that would have been harder to accept than the idea that the guy was going to have to eat my brain.

I made it through though. I managed to do what I could to help her and leave without her knowing I was there. Like I never was there.

It's better that way... I think.

Hopefully the phone will ring and distract my watchers from their contemplation of my emotional state.

Until then, I'll keep pretending that I'm ok.

Maybe I'll rearrange my desk and give them something to watch.

****

****

**_Forgive and Forget_**

**(Takes place after "I Will Remember You".)**

A long time ago, there was an Irish lad named Liam who didn't give a damn about how his actions affected other people. All he cared about was doing what made him feel good. What made him feel alive. What he didn't know was that he wasn't living. He didn't know what being alive really meant until his life was taken from him.

I'm re-living that now, well, as much as a vampire can actually "re-live" anything. All I know is that I was alive again ... and I gave it up. Darla made that decision for Liam, but this time, I made it for myself.

He wouldn't have done that. If he wanted it, Liam would have hung on to it and said the hell with what it would cost anyone else. He was self centered and selfish.

But then, he was never in love.

Lucky him.

If only I hadn't insisted on knowing what the consequences of my sudden humanity really were.

If only I'd taken the Oracle's word that I was free.

If only I hadn't heard what the Mohra said about the End of Days and the soldiers of darkness.

If only I didn't love her so much.

I could have lived as a human man, with her. Until the end.

Ignorance is bliss.

If only....

But I had to know. How could I not ask? After what happened when I lost my soul, how could I not ask what the consequences would be? There are, after all, consequences in everything.

The life of a Slayer is shorter than most. I know that. It would have been easy to use that fact to argue that giving up my human life wouldn't really help her.

But I know better. Take me out of the fight here and the odds grow against her in Sunnydale.

She could die tomorrow; even with me fighting the good fight here. But how could I continue to live not knowing if I could have saved her if I was still in the fight? If I were still a vampire?

I made the only decision I could.

Then I looked into her eyes and I wanted to take it back.

That's what love can do. You can make all the right decisions and then she starts to cry and you're ready to sacrifice the world to make her stop.

I could have sacrificed the world, but I couldn't sacrifice her.

The Powers only gave me a moment to explain and to say goodbye. That was for the best.

She said she'd never forget. But you can't remember what never happened.

I wish that were true. Her scent still lingers on the sheets of my bed.

Or maybe that's all in my mind. Only in my mind. In everyone else's mind, Buffy said her piece, watched me kill a Mohra demon with a clock, and left.

But I can't forget.

I'll never forget.


	4. From The City Of Angel 9 thru 11

**Tests and Consequences**

**_(Takes Place After "Hero")_**

Tonight, I was going to give up my life to save humanity.

Wasn't something I wanted to do, but it's something I'm prepared to do... have been prepared to do.

It's something I expect some night I _will_ do.

But not tonight.

Tonight, Doyle took my sacrifice.

Tonight, Doyle decided that his test had come and what the outcome would be.

Tonight, Doyle died.

I've lost the guide in my mission. But more importantly, I've lost a friend.

Time is different for vampires, but even in human terms I knew him such a short time.

I wondered about the things he'd done before his demon side showed itself, and after.

I know some of it but there's always so much more.

Now, I guess I'll never know.

Cordelia is crying again. We watched the tape she made of him earlier, not quite accepting what had happened.

But, the numbness wore off quickly.

Mixed in with her grief is anger because he never told her the truth about himself. That he didn't feel close enough to her to tell her that.

To give her a chance until it was too late.

And now she'll never know for sure if she could have accepted him. That's always the worst part of losing someone; not knowing how different things might have been.

Well, it's almost the worst part, right behind the fact that we've lost him in the first place. I'll have to call Harry and tell her... just as soon as I can figure out how I'm going to do that.

And I'm angry too. I've sat here denying it but I know it's the truth.

He shouldn't have died- that's what I'm supposed to do.

He was supposed to take the visions and give them to the one who was expected to sacrifice himself.

He was the messenger, the guide.

He wasn't supposed to die.

He wasn't supposed to be the hero.

But, he was.

**Closed Door, Open Window**

**_(After "Parting Gifts")_**

Doyle is gone.

I went to The Oracles... asked them to change that. What the hell, I figured it couldn't hurt, right?

But it did.

I told them that Doyle was my friend and it hurt when I realized that that was the first time I'd said it out loud.

In the end, they didn't take back what happened because Doyle made his choice.

And now, Cordelia is my guide.

It's been a rough transition but honestly she's taken it better than I would have thought. She has a deep streak of compassion in her that I know she thinks I don't notice. But how else can I explain the fact that she's allowing Wesley to hang around?

Speaking of which, I have admit he was helpful in saving Cordy. I don't know if I'd want him around all the time but I'm thinking I may not have a choice.

Rogue Demon Hunter... Yeh, that fits him about as much as private investigator fits me, or actress fits Cordelia.

L.A. is a big city, and yet here we all are, Sunnydale refugees, thrown together. I can't help but think it means something.

Like we are supposed to do this together.

Or maybe they are just some of what I have to put up with as part of my atonement.

I watched Cordy put her vision sketch in a frame and tried to say my final goodbyes to Doyle in my mind.

That door is closed.

Doyle is gone.

Cordy is here.

And it's my responsibility to keep her here.

**Reality Bites**

**_(After "Somnambulist")_**

Everyone has something in their past they hope will never come back to haunt them. Fortunately, hardly anyone has a past as long and as haunted as mine.

Penn wasn't the first of those I've sired to show up in my current life. I doubt he'll be the last. And every time it's harder and harder to deal with.

Everyone makes mistakes, but mine grow... they multiply.

As Angelus I killed, literally, thousands of people with my own hands. But that is nothing compared to the amount of damage I've done through my "children".

I was serious when I told Wesley and Cordelia that I had killed those people- because I am responsible for everything that Penn has done... And what Drusilla has done.... And what Spike has done... and countless others that I've turned.

I've had my soul for over 100 years, but the death I set in motion before that continues. I've stopped killing, but they haven't.

And they've turned others as well, as Dru did to Spike, and so I'm responsible for that too.

I'm the beginning of a long line of destruction and I'm starting to realize that there might not be an end to it.

And I'm beginning to realize that atonement isn't something I will ever achieve, not really.

To take a life is to take whatever potential that life had. I can't replace that potential, that life, by saving another life, or saving a thousand lives. That life is unique.

There is no "making up" for all that I've done...All that those I've turned have done.

So that's then, and them. And then there's still now and _me_.

Those dreams I had about Penn killing, only it was me?

They were terrible and horrifying... and I liked them.

I liked them a lot.

I surprised myself by admitting that to Cordelia and Wesley. I think I was warning them. Or maybe on that deep, scary level where Angelus lives, I was trying to scare them. I wanted to scare them.

I've lived with this soul, felt all the pain I've caused. Been wracked with guilt... and yet, I felt none of that in those dreams. They were all about the rush and pleasure of the kill, and I was happy to be in the thick of it.

That's what gets me where I live: I know I would find joy in the kill, even now.

Even with a soul, I am a vampire.

Sometimes I get to put that in the back of my mind. And sometimes it comes to the fore and forces me to confront what I am. To the point that in my darkest hour, like tonight, I wonder why I don't just stake myself and be done with it.

Maybe it's that sort of fatalistic thinking that led me to let Wesley chain me. On some level, maybe I was hoping he would stake me.

It's almost enough to make me want to give up.

But not quite.

I'll never make up for what I did. I will never replace the lives I took.

So, instead, I'll take care of my past when it comes up, like I did with Penn, and I will save those lives that I can.

Not because of some cosmic balance sheet...

But because it's the right thing to do.

Cordy has faith that I can do that and I want to prove to her that she's right.

With Kate...it's going to be a harder sell. I think she'll be ok, once she "adjusts" to the idea of what is really out there.

I know our relationship will never be the same but she didn't stake me when she had the chance.

That's something.


	5. From The City Of Angel 12 thru 14

**_Men And Other Monsters_**

(After "Expecting")

Cordelia almost died. I'm fairly disturbed by how many of these entries could start out with that sentence. Anyway, again, she almost died.

_Almost_, of course, being the saving grace. That's the great thing: She _almost_ died. You CAN _almost_ die.

You can't _almost_ be pregnant, especially when it comes to Hacksall Beast spawn.

Big Daddy Demon is gone now, along with the would be demon babies… Cordy is back to being Cordy.

But I'm still disturbed by it. And I'm beginning to understand why.

The Hacksall: Nasty? Yes. Evil? Sure. And yet, it was only doing what it had to do to procreate. Instinct to survive as a species. It's in all of us, even vampires.

It's the men, the human men, involved that make me so angry.

Wilson Christopher and his bunch of losers make me question why the human race deserves to continue. They not only sold their souls, they handed over others to their demon master.

It made me sick.

It made me want to kill them.

It made me want to turn my back on human kind and let whatever happens, happen.

Then I remembered why I was there.

Cordelia and Wesley and all the humans who have actual humanity in them- they are the majority and they give me hope.

They are the reason to continue the fight against the darkness, even if that darkness is their own kind.

Maybe this experience will teach Cordelia to be a little more careful in the future and her next date won't be in league with something evil.

Or a demon himself.

Or a lawyer.

Now _that_ is disturbing.

_**Dragon Lady**_

(After "She")

I don't dance. I'll say that right now, just to get it out in the open.

LA is a big city.

It's full of dark places and nasty things that go bump in the night.

And I bump them back as hard as I can and as often as I need too.

You'd think that would be enough. You'd think that the cosmic scale would balance out and the whole good vs. evil thing might sort of even out from time to time.

You'd be wrong.

I now have Jhiera to worry about.

Apparently LA wasn't enough. Now I get tourists from another dimension to deal with.

And it's not like Jhiera is the easiest being to get along with. Sure, she's on the "good" side of the fight… but that doesn't make her any less difficult in the personality department.

She's hard headed and doesn't seem real big on differentiating between the oppressive males of her species and the innocent males in this dimension. As a result, she's less than broken up about the guys who accidentally get fried when they cross paths with the Oden Tal women. I have a real problem with that.

Plus… she's hot. I mean that literally and figuratively. So there is that element of danger for me because, hey, fire and I are not compatible.

And because, hey, finding out if Jhiera and I are as compatible as I think we might be, is not a good idea to say the least.

It's a delicate dance.

Did I mention that I don't dance?

Jhiera's cause is a just one. I only hope she will take me seriously and that she will prevent any further deaths in this dimension.

I really hate the idea of going against her and her fight again.

I really hate the idea of cold showers, too.

_**Fear Of Nothing**_

(After "I've Got You Under My Skin")

They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Maybe that's true, I honestly don't know.

I've been with a soul and without one, but that doesn't make me an expert.

Almost 250 years on the planet and there is still so much I don't know.

For instance, I don't know if you can tell just by looking at someone if they have a soul or not. Did I look different without mine? It's really not a question I want to ask of anyone who might know. Judging by what happened in Sunnydale the last time Angelus was out, I'd say that no, I didn't look different.

So I guess that I shouldn't be surprised that Ryan looked like, and still does look like, a normal little boy.

Can a person be born without a soul? Again, I don't know for sure. I know that the Ethros demon seemed to think that Ryan doesn't have one.

I've been telling myself that maybe it was lying.

Obviously, Wesley is just as disturbed by the whole thing as I am. The whole way back to the office, he talked about how Ryan didn't seem to _always_ be evil. That he could have a mental disorder or even some physical illness that might explain his behavior.

But I don't believe that. I remember what it was like to be Angelus. I wasn't running around acting evil 24/7. I was more calculating than that.

So is Ryan.

Destruction interspaced with moments of calm. Not enough to allow any real sense of peace… just enough to let them hope that things will get better.

Hope. Dangle it before them, and snatch it away.

And that's why deep down, I believe that what the Ethros said is true.

Ryan doesn't have a soul.

The implications of that…

Nothing _is_ the scariest thing in the world.

I didn't say any of this to Wesley. I listened to his theories and kept my own to myself.

His will let him sleep at night.

Where would we be without hope, after all?


	6. From The City Of Angel 15 thru 17

**Fathers And Other Not Evil, Evil Things**

_(Takes place after "The Prodigal")_

Children believe what their parents tell them. Tell them they are good and bright, and chances are they will be good and bright.

Or at least they'll try to be.

Maybe.

My father told me I was never going to amount to anything.

He said I was a good for nothing.

Maybe, in some sort of ironic way, he was right and it was because I was too lazy, that I didn't try to prove to him that he was wrong. Instead, I lived down to his expectations of me. It's a simple thing to blame it all on him and so I did.

I've thought about him a lot since I regained my soul. In my darker moments, I wondered if maybe he really did see something evil in me. Something that was just waiting to show itself.

Was he trying to save me, or was he just the bitter, cruel man I thought he was then?

Like so many other things, I'll never know for sure.

Kate went the opposite way when it came to her father. She seems to have done everything she could to be exactly what her father wanted her to be. Or, at least what she thought he wanted her to be.

But I know she felt like she never measured up.

And I know that because that's how I felt right before I gave up trying and became a skirt-chasing, drunkard.

At least my way had its fun moments.

In the end though, we're pretty similar: our fathers are dead, and we feel like we failed them.

There is a difference however, I mean, beyond the fact that she didn't kill her father, and I did.

When I heard the last beat of my father's heart, I expected to feel joy or satisfaction. But it wasn't either of those things that I felt.

It was emptiness.

I didn't understand that until Darla mocked my "victory" over him.

She was right though.

He went to his death knowing I was everything he said I was.

I was a disappointment and so he won.

That's the difference between Kate and me: I don't think her father ever believed she was a disappointment.

I can see that because I'm on the outside looking in. She doesn't see it because she's standing in the middle of it.

I feel sad for her.

I wonder… what would an outsider have seen looking at my father and I?

I'd like to tell her what I think, what I saw, but I don't think that's possible now.

Kate is no longer in the dark about what goes on in this city.

She sees the evil things and the not evil, evil things…

Only now, she doesn't really believe in the not evil, evil things.

I don't know if what we had was actually friendship, but it worked to some degree.

The idea of her as an enemy isn't something I like thinking about.

I hope she can get over this.

For both our sakes.

**Blurry Lines**

_(Takes place after "The Ring")_

My job description seems to be pretty cut and dry: Find the evil, confront the evil, defeat the evil. Given my "special" circumstances, more often than not, that evil comes in the form of a demon of some sort that I have to kill in defense of a human.

Sometimes the job is not so clear.

I've been thinking about what happened in that arena and after.

I know it would have been easier to just play along. I kill demons almost every night without blinking an eye. There wasn't one of those demons that I couldn't have beaten.

Or I could have taken Wolfram and Hart's offer and left the others to their fates.

What's the difference?

I can still hear the human spectators in my mind.

They cheered for blood, for pain.

For death.

I saw the pleasure they took from it on their faces.

I remember that feeling.

That's the difference.

I gave up killing for my own pleasure a century ago and I'll be damned if I'll do if for anyone else.

To allow that to continue, allow those people to feed off that violence…

It was wrong.

So, yeh, I set a bunch of demons loose. Not all of them were bad but I know I'll probably be tracking down some in the future.

And if it comes to that, I'll kill them.

But I have a job to do and that job is to confront and defeat the evil in this city.

Doesn't matter if that evil has horns, or claws… or horns and claws…

Or just a lack of morals wrapped in a human skin.

Evil is evil.

Sometimes the job is very clear.

**This Is Your Soul On Drugs**

(Takes place after "Eternity")

I've known people who have paid good money to wake up chained to their beds.

I'm not one of those so the experience wasn't pleasant. But even less pleasant was remembering how I got there in the first place.

I nearly killed Wesley and Cordelia, not to mention Rebecca.

Of course, she's the reason I nearly killed them all so I guess it's natural that I don't feel _quite_ as guilty about her.

But there's still plenty of guilt.

Yes, I was drugged. Cordelia and Wesley understand that. They accept that I didn't have control of myself completely. Angelus got the upper hand for a time and we all got a reminder of how dangerous being close to me can be.

The scary consequences of circumstances beyond my control.

Still, I should have seen it coming.

I'm nearly 250 years old; you'd think I'd know when I'm being seduced for God's sake!

I didn't though.

Or, maybe I did.

Unless that's just my guilt talking again.

Hell, I don't even know anymore.

Wesley and Cordelia handled themselves pretty well given the situation.

But when I think about it, I wonder if what they did was the smartest thing.

I am a danger to them. No, I didn't lose my soul this time. I was, to put it simply, a mean drunk. Honestly, I'm relieved that I wasn't staked over it.

And yet…I attacked them. I could have killed them.

I wanted to kill them.

Angelus is here, all the time. Keeping him in check isn't as straightforward as it might seem.

I need to know they can do what needs to be done if he gets out again.

And I don't know for sure that they can.

It's one more in a long, long list of things to worry about.

Good thing vampires don't get ulcers.


	7. From The City Of Angel 18 thru 22

**You Do What You Have To Do**

_(After "Five By Five" and "Sanctuary")_

What was I supposed to do? That's the question of the day for me. Faith blows into town, terrorizes the city, teams up with Wolfram and Hart, beats up Cordy, tortures Wesley… and then begs me to kill her _while_ she's pummeling me.

Kill her: That would have been the easy answer. For everyone, and let's be honest, that's everyone including me. Everything she's done to Buffy, to me, our friends… it would have been an easy out. The harsh fact is we all have more than enough to deal with, without dealing with Faith too. Yes, she's behind bars and she put herself there. She's racked with guilt and remorse and I honestly believe that she does feel these things as much as I do.

She is still a danger though. Prison is a rough gig. I don't think I'm being paranoid when I wonder if at some point she might decide that she's had enough. Being bad is easy, it's being good that's tough and I have a feeling that the California penal system isn't designed to bring out the best in people. If she wants out, she'll get out. I know it and she knows it. Living everyday with an unstable Slayer in my city isn't the most comfortable of situations.

On the other hand, maybe I'm not giving her enough credit. I talk a good game. I told Buffy that I believed Faith could be helped, and that I could help her. Maybe I'm the only one who can. I know Buffy was being sarcastic when she referred to our "club" for murderers, but it's not so far from the truth: We were killers. Now we don't want to be that anymore. That's a pretty select few. I look at Faith and I see someone who has done a lot of damage, and could continue to do so. But I also see someone who could be a great force for good. She needs a chance. Does she deserve a chance after everything she's done? I don't know… Did I? There are a lot of people who would have said no. I was lucky to have some who did believe in me. She needs someone who will believe in her. So… now I need to continue that belief. And I will. The fact is, I don't really have a choice now. So I'll believe it and deal with it.

And…. Buffy. In a few minutes I'll be on my way to Sunnydale to apologize.

I wasn't wrong. Saving Faith is the right thing to do and Buffy attacked me first.

But I am sorry that I hurt her with what she saw, and what she thinks she saw between Faith and me. The fact is I do understand Faith and her motives and her feelings. I know what was going through her mind when she took the lives she took and what was in her soul when she wanted me to kill her.

Buffy never will. At least I hope she never will.

I'm sorry that I hurt her by doing what had to be done.

That seems to be a common theme in our relationship.

And I know that she'll forgive me because deep down, she knows I did what was right, too.

We both save people after all. It would be easier if every case were black or white. It would be easier if only the people we like were deserving of saving. But it's not like that and she knows it.

So I'll tell her I'm sorry and let her decide for herself for what part of the whole mess I'm apologizing for.

**Layers Upon Layers**

_(After "War Zone")_

I've seen more than my share of cities. Something they all have in common is layers.

Like a rotten onion, LA has hidden levels that most people in the upper layers never see.

Or they pretend not to.

Sure, they have blinded themselves to the demons and other things that run around under their noses, but they've also become adept at ignoring the more human aspects as well.

Not just the evil done by men, though there's that too. I'm talking about the poverty, the hopelessness that some people get sucked into by their circumstances.

I'm not pointing fingers or making some big moral statement. I realize that it's a survival instinct. At some point, you have to not see_ everything_ or risk become paralyzed with the idea that you will never be able to help _everyone_.

I know that feeling very well.

The demons see it though and a lot of them use it to their advantage. They think they will escape notice if they prey on the people other people don't seem to care about.

Unfortunately, too many times they are right.

I've walked in every one of the different layers in my long life. I've been at the top and I've lived in the sewers. Recently however my focus has been somewhat narrow. I haven't risked becoming paralyzed by it all. I haven't seen as well as I should have.

My eyes have been opened.

Cordelia, Wesley and I grumble about our circumstances. We see the fabulous wealth of someone like David Nabbit all around us and wish we had some of that ourselves. I admit I'm not immune to it. I grew up with wealth… nothing like what he has, but I never wanted for anything. And when I was evil, well, doing without was unheard of. I've learned to get over that need to have _things. _Yet bright and shiny always attracts attention and David Nabbit has that in abundance.

What he doesn't seem to have is much of a life. He's nice enough, sure, but his problems are now ones of his own making. Not that I'm belittling his blackmail problem- everyone has their secrets that they don't want out. But he is on a level now where his problems are all from circumstances he, himself, has created.

I sympathized with him… then I met Gunn and his crew.

Perspective has a way of putting you in your place.

I stood there in the dark of that abandoned building, surrounded by a bunch of kids pointing weapons at me, and realized just how in the dark I've been.

I've been prowling around this city for months and months and I never knew they were there.

That tells me that either I'm slipping or they're good. And after dealing with Gunn, I'm convinced that it's that they're good.

My admitted narrow focus not withstanding, these kids have been doing the job that I've been doing, and doing it well. They haven't been waiting for a Champion to save them; they've been doing it themselves.

They've been fighting the things that everyone else refuses to see.

They are not hopeless or helpless…

But I'm going to help them anyway.

Whether they want me too or not.

Gunn is a hard case, and I understand that. He's been fighting vamps for so long that to expect him to trust me is going to take time. But he also didn't keep trying to stake me and that's a start.

What happened to his sister was heartbreaking. I know he understands that he didn't really kill her- the vampire that turned her had already done that. But it will take time for his heart to catch up to his brain on that account. His guilt tells him he killed his sister and for now that's all he can acknowledge. It's something we have in common, though I don't think I'll be sharing that with him.

Like I told him, I may need his help one night, and I don't think a mutual history of sister killing is going to get me that. I have a feeling that any bonding we might do in the future will depend on how much of my past, stays in the past.

Sometimes a narrow focus isn't such a bad thing after all.

**None So Blind**

_(After "Blind Date", during the beginning of "To Shanshu In LA")_

Lindsey McDonald almost became a hero tonight.

He lowered himself to come to me for help.

He risked his life and stood up to Wolfram and Hart.

He made it possible for me to steal some very valuable information, including, it seems, something that's turned out to be of personal value.

He stood by me against a powerful assassin.

He saved those children.

He was, by all accounts, impressive as hell.

He was almost a hero…then he pissed it away for a six-figure salary and a promotion.

I don't know Lindsey very well but let's face it: Wolfram and Hart doesn't take your run of the mill lawyer. I'm guessing their screening process is a little tighter when it comes to the personality traits they are looking for.

In other words, they know Lindsey better than I do, maybe better than he knows himself. And so they must have known that his recent "lapse" into morality would be a short lived one.

They didn't kill him when they found out what he'd done... that pretty much says it all.

So, where as I wish I could say I'm surprised at his re-turnaround, I'm not.

He had a chance to get out, to become something more. To see what is beyond the darkness. To see for himself that Wolfram and Hart are wrong about him.

But I guess they aren't.

I am a little disappointed but I've lived too long to dwell on the "what if" factor in life. Lindsey looked right at his chance and chose not to see it.

As the saying goes; "There are none so blind as those who will not see."

And the world keeps turning with everyone in his place, whether or not they know what their place in it, is.

Lindsey seems to have decided where his is… And now Wesley thinks he knows where to find mine.

I have no idea what made me take the Scroll of Aberjerin from the vault. I looked at that case, and I somehow _knew_ it meant something to me. About me… whatever.

Wesley is still trying to figure out what exactly it says but even without knowing the specifics, it seems I have my place in the grander scheme of things…

And it's going to kill me.

Good to know.

Wesley and Cordelia are understandably confused by my apparent lack of concern. But… what am I supposed to do?

The prophecy, well, if it's true, I can't change it.

And honestly, at least I know what's coming. Maybe not when, but there is an end. Being a vampire I'm immortal. Sure I could get staked at some point, but baring that, I'm in it for the long haul.

I think… I think that I'm just ok with knowing that there is an end at some point.

They think my feelings are so different from theirs, but really it makes me feel closer to them, to being human.

There is a difference between living and existing. And maybe when you know that you don't have forever, you appreciate living more.

Or… something like that.

I can hear them upstairs. They're talking about me.

I should make an appearance so they don't think I'm brooding.

Wouldn't want that.

**What The Future Holds**

_(After "To Shanshu In LA")_

In order to die, a thing has to _live_ first.

I suppose that we should have realized that. Seems simple but then when it comes to me, the facts do get somewhat skewed.

Because the fact is, I'm not alive. So really, if I get dusted tomorrow, it's somewhat redundant to say I'm dead.

I exist. I walk and I talk and I do what I do, but technically I am not alive.

We all know that and yet…

So it seemed that "shanshu" only meant I was going to die… and I will.

But first I will live.

I will live.

I will become human.

What I said about the difference between existing and living is now even clearer. Because even though I still, technically, only exist… one day I will live.

The thought is… overwhelming.

Sure, it's not going to happen tomorrow or the next day.

I have to go through some trials and tribulations…

But someday… someday I will be rewarded.

I will earn my right to live and die.

It's more that I expected to ever have.

And after today where the Oracles have been slaughtered, my friends almost killed, my home blown up, and the worry of what's in Wolfram and Hart's mystery box, it's nice to have news that doesn't suck.

And this most definitely doesn't.

So now, my focus is to do what needs to be done… part of which is to find a new place to live and get use to the new, kinder version of Cordy.

But mostly it's to keep fighting the good fight.

Wolfram and Hart didn't succeed in cutting me off from The Powers That Be.

Score one for me, but I still have a job to do.

As far as Wolfram and Hart and their box… well, I'm sure it will come up.

But I'm not too worried.

After all the things they've pulled, I'm still here.

What else can they do to me?


End file.
